Who am I?
Updated: Jan 6, 2021
Who am I behind the hundreds, perhaps thousands of masks that I wear?
Who am I beyond my fears and self-limiting programs?
Who am I beneath all of the subconscious filters that minimize and constrict my words, thoughts and actions?
Over the last few years I’ve been re-owning and integrating a part of myself that was once very cut off from my core persona. This part of me is a psychic, magical, witchy, shaman. She communicates with spirits, performs rituals, shape-shifts, and plays with magic crystals.
I notice that even now, in writing these words, some part of me is cringing in publicly outing myself. I have a sense that there are lots of opinions and judgements about those words above, but I am going to continue sharing because some other part of me is asking me to speak my truth.
You see, I grew up in the world of magic and psychic phenomenon. My mom was psychic. She spoke with crystals, predicted events, and could “see” illnesses in people’s bodies through her own third eye.
But my mom was also a lot of other things, and some of them had to do with being a human who suffered from mental, emotional and physical illnesses.
I learned at a young age that mom was, above all else, “crazy.” And this meant that her words, thoughts and perceptions were all a fallacy. Nothing she said or did could be taken seriously. I learned that psychic senses were bad and they actually made my mother crazy, and that craziness was quite unlovable to the rest of my family.
So, to protect my own lovability, I decided at a very young age to stay far away from magic, psychic phenomenon, or anything that might possibly get me labeled as “crazy.” I couldn’t risk being unlovable to my family, or anyone else for that matter, so I stuffed any interest, excitement or curiosity about magic so far down that the very thought of it evoked shame, guilt and even embarrassment.
But then a spiritual crisis occurred in my early-thirties. It was a spiritual emergency, or emergence, as I like to refer to it, that came during a time in my life when I was feeling lost and unsure of my direction. It was a time when I cried everyday for three months straight.
If I had gone to a therapist, I would have been clinically diagnosed as depressed, but I was determined to apply my own tools to move through this experience, so instead of seeking help I prayed, meditated and let the emotional waves move through.
Looking back, I see my experience as having had a gigantic chunk of unworthiness broken free from the depths of my own subconscious iceberg to arise to the surface for acknowledgement and ownership. While that description might evoke a fun image, it was really one of the most challenging times of my life.
That unworthiness was so central to my day to day experience that I could not quiet the voices telling me how unworthy I was of love, respect, or acknowledgment. During this time, I was literally convinced that I was worthless to everyone I cared about, that the world didn’t want or need me and I should just crawl under a rock and disappear.
I’m not sure how it happened, but somewhere amidst the tears, prayers, and meditations, a realization hit me in the head like a shoe being thrown straight from Spirit. In that moment I found myself acknowledging something that I had never considered before...
“Well, if I am worthless to the world and everyone I care about, I may as well start living my life according to how I want to live it. I may as well be worthy of my own affection, and follow what makes me happy.”
Though I didn’t entirely comprehend what that meant, I immediately felt relief and less than a week later, my whole experience of who I was would change.
That change began while I was in a little shop in Joshua Tree called Rainbow Stew. As I walked around I noticed being magnetized over to the Tarot cards and I was instantly drawn to a beautiful deck of cards called the Gaia Oracle.
As I picked up the deck I noticed two things. First a tiny little voice saying “what will people think of me if I play with oracle cards?” And then, something else spoke to me straight through my feeling body, declaring very loudly with the voice of excitement that I was meant to work with those cards!
And so I bought them, and since that day I have been slowly shedding layers of shame, guilt and embarrassment as I have been dusting off my own psychic abilities, beliefs and practices.
Playing with magic through shamanic practices, energy healing, and divination illuminates my inner being with joy and wonder. I find my creative mind expanding into possibility and I continue to be amazed by the results that come through my life and the lives of those I work with.
As I write this, I am noticing a desire to acknowledge the generations upon generations of ancestral trauma that has occurred for countless women, and some men, who have been brutalized because of beliefs in magic and the fears that people have about the magical arts.
I know that my own healing journey with magic and psychic abilities has rippled back to my mother, and I hold a prayer for the collective to heal and grow beyond these wounds, so that we may all feel safe to incorporate and explore magic in our everyday lives.
In the meantime, I would love to hear about other people’s experiences of shedding masks, playing with magic or any other thoughts or reflections that might be inspired from this reading.
Thanks for joining me!